Juggling Life March 24, 2008

I have wondered whether writing this is a wise thing to do. Looking through the other christian blogs on the web, they are all focussed on God and not the self. My intention is not to distract from God’s glory, rather it is a log of my personal struggle to reconcile my beliefs with my everyday life. Being introverted and particularly shy, I don’t find it easy to talk to others about this and my natural instinct is to write it down.

I firmly believe that we can come to God with our true feelings as in the Psalms. God knows how we feel anyway and so it barely is a surprise to Him!

I have been a christian for 7 years now since I left university. I guess the issue is that my first joy has been lost and I have been waiting for it to come back to me. I am not sure I have really been proactive though in doing anything about it. I don’t even know whether it is possible to get it back.

The transition from student to working life was quite a hard one. I think we underestimate the impact this has on ones christian walk. Students have the precious commodity of time and this allows plenty of opportunity for reading, studying, meeting others and going to church. The working life does not allow for so many activities. By the time I am home in the evening I am more concerned with cooking a meal, getting organised for the next day and finding some time to relax. The weekends are busy too as neither of our families or any of our uni friends live nearby. Attending church twice on a Sunday feels like such a drain, and in a church where having people round for lunch is encouraged, this puts a lot of pressure on to prepare and commit an entire afternoon to serving others. I see my non christian work colleagues going out in the evenings and sleeping the weekend away and this sometimes feels like such an attractive option, although it is not really a productive use of time!

I guess my attitude is similar to that of the Psalmist in Psalm 73 where he feels that the world seem to have everything. My issue is reconciling this with the truth that these people in the world in reality have nothing. I know I am the one that is rich. It is just making my heart feel that way, rather than it just being head knowledge. I need to remember the privilege it is to be able to attend church on a Sunday and openly proclaim my faith when so many around the world would be persecuted for doing so.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Where I Stand March 23, 2008

How is it possible to stand amongst so many friends yet feel so lonely?

I could make it easy. I could put on the ‘Sunday’ act at church - turning up on a Sunday morning and going through the smiling routine, the ‘how has your week been?’ routine, the ‘what activities are you involved in?’ routine. It could be easy to go through the motions….sing the songs, make notes in the sermon, close my eyes to pray.

But it’s not me.

I am not an extrovert. I keep myself to myself. I don’t feel comfortable expressing myself in that way. I understand what church is for and why it’s important to go to church. Why does becoming a christian mean I have to change my personality to fit in?

I am fortunate to go to the church that I go to. The teaching is excellent, the vision is outward looking, the leadership are faithful and serve their congregation whole heartedly.

Why then is turning up on a Sunday so hard?

I get frustrated by the people who come and talk to me because talking to different people is a good thing to do. They don’t genuinely care how my week has been or they would listen fully instead of looking around the room while I answer them.

I get frustated by the people who talk about church as a being a family. Where have these people been for the last two months when they know life has been a little bit harder for us? Is it only the people who are the ‘personalities’, those who go to homegroups, those who help with church activities who are the ones who can be helped.

I get frustrated by those who think that you have to be seen doing activities and be involved in groups to be serving your church.

I get frustrated by the cliques, the culture and the unwritten rules that dictate my life even though I know they are not necessary. 

Don’t get me wrong – I am far from perfect and am not putting myself  on a pedestal to look down at others. The church needs different personalities, but I feel that I need to change to fit in to this culture that has formed. And it is this culture that also alienates me from my friends who are not christians. These non christians are the ones who to me are more real about who they are, are genuinely interested in helping and who respect my beliefs. I am alienated from them because I am made to feel like it is wrong to spend more time with non christians than christians. I feel like I shouldn’t go out after work with my friends unless I am there to evangelise.

Maybe I expect too much from christians. I don’t expect anyone to be perfect – all of us fall far shorter than what were were meant to be. Maybe I have a naive view of christianity. Maybe I do need to change.

 It’s so easy for all of these feelings to override the true meaning of days like to day – a celebration of when the only person ever in history was resurrected to make the way open to God for all who will live for him.

And so it continues to be a struggle. There doesn’t seem to be an easy answer.